Sunday, 13 July 2008

How did my education fail me?

It was years of 1970 to 1974.
These years failed me. I was thinking about my aim to unite the world. But I did not do any work for my aim. I wanted to leave my home or parents and wanted to work for my aim. I compromised with my father. I did not want to hurt him as he told me " When I was child, my father died. When I am old , I shall think that my son died." He said when I wanted to leave home and wanted to go to Calcutta or Bombay from Delhi. But his emotional words stopped me to leave home. I feel today he was right. He must be knowing that his son is a good person. He shall be exploited by crooked people. So he tried to stop me with emotions. I came under his influence. So I did not leave him but I left India to study more. I went to Germany. I studied German Language in Max Mueller Bhavan Poona . It must be period from February 1970 to August 1970. In October I went to Germany.
When I read my books written by me during those days, I only find that I wanted to work for Unity of the World. I wanted to help. In actual practice nothing happened. I only wrote and wrote. I worked to earn my livelihood and earned money to study. Time just passed. One year , second year and third year and so next years. Only good part of this study was that I could pass my later life successfully without much to worry about money. Due to my Ideology I worked hard and wanted to help others. When ever I was in a position to help as Managing Director or Chief Executive of a Brewery, I helped poor workers and families of prostitutes by giving them jobs in a brewery. I gave equal salary to Men or Women for the same work. Men objected but I paid equal salary. I gave special incentives to workers who married interstate opposite sex. I tried to work without earning more money. It helped the society. Sick Brewery could be converted to a healthy unit. Due to my Ideology I could develop village near by this brewery. During study in Germany I could understand the difference of capitalistic country and socialistic country. I as Indian could meet East Berlin People. I could cross the national boundaries. I could meet East Berlin people. I met Fraulein Lilo. I could know two different system of national governess. Capitalistic or Socialistic.
Fact remains that I failed to achieve my aim. I could not work to unite the people or I could not teach for the unity of the world. I had to earn money to live and study. I worked and earned and earned so much which was just sufficient to study and live. I could read books on Mao. Maoists were considered more left oriented then Marxists or Leninist. I could not work for unity of the world. Time just passed. I failed and regret. I feel bad about me , about my sacrifice of love and my love. Later on I just lived and there was no aim. There was no desire and no feeling in me. It helped my master but It did not help me. I earned and just passed my time. I was lucky to have good job. But i failed. I came in contact with senior IAS officers like Jainder Singh, Deepak Panwar or Ashok Kumar Goel or Malkundayya . I came to know about administration. I came in contact with masses and different politicians including chief ministers of Andhra Pradesh like N.T.Rama Rao.

But I failed. I failed because my aim did not employ me or give me money. I wanted money to earn or to live. So I failed. Today I know it was due to Sani Planet, Budha Planet, Ketu Planet. We are only puppets in the hand of destiny. I missed my golden period of life. I could have enjoyed the company with whom one may like to live or die together. I failed in my aim and I failed in my love and I lost my life. I just passed my life.

My dream of Global World

Between humanity and fate,
None have on earth what they desire;
Death comes to all soon or late,
And peace is but a wandering fire.

Peace should be the aim of each and every life.

Death is real enjoyment of life.

Fighting for peace is just like fucking for virginity

Miracles some time occur , but one has to work terribly hard for them.

I shall give my blood to quench the thirst of people.

I wrote in 1967-68 . " India got freedom on 15th August 1947. We are going to celebrate it's 20th celebration. I came two months late in this World. Now after 20 years I feel that we are not behaving properly with the World. We are busy in our thoughts. We are not fulfilling our duties. We are corrupt.We are moving towards destruction. What are leaders doing? Are our leaders not taking money to amass wealth ? Actually this system of voting as a whole is bad. When I say bad , I mean it was bad and will remain bad for few years or more. When voting power is in the hands of uneducated people , how can they judge the candidate who is seeking vote. Should uneducated people be given right to cast votes? When a man is wasting lacs of Rupees on election , will he not like to earn money after elections? In case he wants to stand again for a job as minister , then he needs money for election and he has to earn lacs to spend lacs. From where will leaders take money? They may take money from Industrialists or take money from those contractors whom they have given money.
I shall like to appeal to the younger generations to work hard and try to unite the world. You must cross boundaries. It should be peaceful. Never take law in gto your hand. I do not want people should live separately. There should not be any boundaries. I want religion should be one. we should respect others religion also. There should not be any caste system . One should not differentiate on the basis of caste , color or National Boundaries. We should allow international marriages, interstate marriages. This shall produce children of new culture. This shall generate new feelings of love and love for humanity. This may be my New India or my new World.

We all are human beings. We are compelled by unknown forces to live in this world. To live we must eat food which gives energy. Due to different living conditions on this earth we need shelter and clothings. Human beings want to live together in a society. Charachteristics of human beings are ego, jealousy, pride, desire, flaunt and flout, selfishness, altruistic and sacrificing. In addition to this, sex and stomach are two main needs of living beings. To satisfy their instincts some exploit others and even use violent means. To live in peace and happiness intelligent unselfish created agoverning system, which is accepted by the society as per their culture and zeitgeist. I know my Ideas are very far away from normal human Intellects. But I shall like to argue for this. I shall give my life for this. I consider World without any boundaries. No Military to fight. Police to take care for normal human crimes. Are our grand grand fathers are not same? Are we not human beings? Are we not related by human bloods? Youths should come forward. Youth should develop new system and learn from history of civilization. Young people are good. We want food and love. We do not want war. Kindly help other countries . It is humanity which is more important then your country. Basic necessities are water, milk, food, cloth and sex . I am in favour of rights of freedom, right of speech, right of property, right of love, and right of duty.

Later on I realized that this is part of democracy. World was divided in to many countries by United Nations. Different political systems were tried by different nations. Democracy was tried in USA, India, United Kingdom, France, West Germany, etc. Socialistic administrative system was tried in U.S. S.R ( Russia ). Other Socialistic System was tried by China. Kingdom by Nepal, Bhutan etc. Each country was trying to feed their citizens and trying to develop and experience different political systems. So that capital can be accumulated and nation can progress. All nations tried to remove hunger. Some rulers ruled without selfish ends and some with selfish aim. As i have explained earlier that none can take wealth to next life, so wealth remained in this world.
Time has proved that democracy is the only best system to govern. Political corruption may be part of democracy. Democracy gives always change and accept the new methods for governess. In dictatorship it is not possible. Democracy is more stable political system then Socialistic or Communistic or rule by dictators of poor people. Democracy is vibrant. It adopts changes. It is flexible. It reasons. Reasons can be explained by Educated Politicians or Uneducated Politicians.
Youth always think about future. They dream. They dream for better future. They may be successful in achieving their dreams or they may fail like me. But today I know that we only think and act as per the wishes of planets. We are actors. We are robots with actual blood. Our brain or hard disc is controlled by people living in other planets. We have to act and die. I failed because I was not assigned this job. My Job was different. I wish all the best.

My First Experience with Truth

It was 8th of January 1968. I was in third year of Mechanical Engineering in Punjab Engineering College Chandigarh, Punjab University. During that time India was producing more engineers. Doctors, Engineers and Lawyers were considered leaders of the society. These jobs were well paid.
Due to certain reasons there were more supply of engineering graduates then demand of engineering graduates. In Industry engineering jobs were occupied by diploma holders or some times even by good fitters who may be high school and are able to read some engineering books. Boilers were not produced in India. So there was unemployment amongst engineers.
Some leaders came from Punjab University and wanted to do strike and wanted to submit charter of demands to Commissioner of Chandigarh. one can call him administrative head of Government.
I took active part in this. I knew that I have connection with Mohan Meakin and I shall get job. So this matched with my aim to serve others. As this may not spoil my carrier. Normally taking part in the strike can jeopardize your carrier. Professor can write in character certificate. So one may not get job. But I was sure about my job. So I took active part and discussed with all the students to take part in demonstration and help each other. Working commeetee decided to do peaceful demonstration. I was active. We all went to D.C. office sector 17 , Chandigarh. Students were sitting peacefully. I was very near to D.C.
Before I realized , D.C. ordered for Lathi Charge ( Beating with sticks). I was standing with him. I argued. I told that all were peaceful. Why did you order for Lathi Charge? I was arguing with him , when some police person hit on my buttocks with stick. I was arrested by Police. Police took some boys who were standing near by me. We all were taken to Police Station.
As Police lathi charged, mob ran in all directions. Later on we came to know that mob burnt buses and I do not know what more. We were kept in Hawalat for 36 hours. We were produced in court and were taken to Ambala Jail. I was surprised , how all these charges were levied against me? I was peaceful and was standing with D.C. How can criminal cases be levied against me? But it was fact and I took time to understand that what one sees or reads in News paper may not be correct. People can write what suits to them. Truth is always a causality in public life.
There was still influence of leaders who fought for freedom. But as time passed I realized that ideals of service to humanity are only good on paper. Some selfish people are exploiting these emotions for their personal gains. I was no where near to these politicians. So I failed miserably. Leaders were talking some thing else and practicing some thing else. This was hard fact of life . I also understood later on that selfish people were more successful then saintly person. Truth is powerful. But Truth can never give you money. Without Power Politics one can not succeed. So I failed. I failed miserably. I concluded then nothing is in my hand. We are only puppets in the hand of destiny. Administration is different. Administrators are also servants to politicians. One can lead political party if one is selfish. Politics also needs money. So Theory is blind without practice. Practice is sterile without theory.
Any how later on all the cases were withdrawn by Administration on the request of principal of engineering college.

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Love or Love of first sight

I wrote on 7th July 1967.

"Love is the gift given by God .Enjoy it. All are not so lucky."

"Virtue should be the aim and end of every life
All Else is Vain
Duty should be it's dearest friend
If higher life it would attain."

"We go to marriage or to death
At determined time and place.
We are her plaything, She blows us
where She lists in space.'

"So frank and noble that the eye,
was loth to quit that sun browned face
She look and looked then gave a sigh,
And slackened suddenly her pace,
What was the meaning; was it love
Love at first sight , as the Poets sing"

9th March 1968

I am not able to distinguish between love and passion. Love should be unselfish. Passion may be selfish.Love should be dutiful. Passion does not understand duty or responsibility. Is it true? If it is then why does a man love his wife after marriage?Why do you want good qualities in opposite sex? Why do you want to marry rich man or woman? How can love beget after marriage? After selecting your partner for your personal gains that can not be love. Love can not be selfish. People love each other due to their selfish gains and then they call it love. It can not be love. It may be contractual living for selfish gains or interest.
Love does not calculate money. Love does not see caste, race, size, facial cuts, hairs, qualifications, family. Passion in the form of marriage see these qualifications. Love is natural. Heart of a man beats rapidly when he sees the girl in sexy dress. It is not love. It is passion. It generates sexual feeling in a man. When heart of a man beats due to grace of a lady, due to polite talk of a girl, then it is love. It is love because it is not due to selfish interest. It is due to appreciation. It is due to brain power. It is not due to physical power. So this is the difference between love and passion. Passion creates feeling of love and sex also. When you want to sacrifice your life for one sight of your beloved person then it is love. Such a sacrifice is known as part of love. If it is true love then it will succeed. It will over rule every part of life. Love is immortal. Love can bring life from the jaws of death back to universe. God also loves those who love and love truly.
I saw her again. I know nothing about her. I want to see her again and again. I may call it one sided love. I never had courage to talk to her. I enjoyed her company. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to see her. I was mad about her. But destiny had some thing else for me. I know that world is selfish. Parents are selfish. Children are selfish. Leaders are selfish. Government is selfish. I know she does not coincide with my ideology. I wanted Doctor Wife who may earn and I may spend my time to work for unity of the world or serve others. She is not Doctor. Love is staking , stumbling. My aim is over powering my emotions. I see so many faces. I meet so many girls. Why She? I can not proceed forward. She may be hesitant. She may be also fearing. Love which may be in starting stage can be crushed with the fastness of time. Time heals and one forgets. This is law of Nature. Love is so nice. You can spend complete night in remembering your love. You may cry for her. But once time has passed and you have missed that opportunity then it is very difficult to get back.

I came to know her name. Her father was General Manager in C.T.U. I loved her . I used to feel good after seeing her , after talking to her. I told her about the visit of her father to our college and remarked that he is a great man.
Once She and I appeared in a test. I got 37and half. Madam was checking her copy. I also stood near her and wanted to check her numbers. I told that You got less marks. I was secretary of French Certificate course in Punjab University. I counted her marks and left, as I felt it is not necessary to stay for a longer time. It may give bad impression. Next day she was angry. She told that I thought you were helping me . I wanted to meet her father. I knew some one who could take me to her house. But soon I realized that I am in love. I may forget my aim. My Aim is more important. I must work hard to complete my aim. Still love over powered me. I asked her about her studies. What will she like to do? What does she think about working girl? I thought I shall marry her. She is from a good family. Her nature is good. She is beautiful. I thought that if she shall work then I shall marry.
Why am I writing all these thoughts? It keeps record of events and time. It tells me that time has gone and you did all this and It may be very enjoyable during my old age. I shall study my all thoughts and shall enjoy all this.
Idea to work for Unity of the World is deep rooted in me. I feel I am helpless. I shall cease my interest for living, if I do not achieve my aim. More I am delaying my aim, more firm determination I am getting to do hard work. I want to sacrifice all my life for this. I am convinced that I am not sacrificing my love but it is some power which is taking me away from my love.
So Love is not selfish for personal gains. Love is also not that blind. Love gives you inspiration to work hard and hard for your aim. If your aim is for the welfare of society then love shall help you to achieve that aim which is good for every one. So love is sacrifice. Love is very powerful. Love is above all. One can never forget her love. Love is pure as God. Love is power. Love can never be selfish. Love begets love.
To day I am 60. I found that I failed. I failed to get my love. I failed to be with some one who loved me. I failed to achieve my aim . I never thought of money. So I failed to be a rich man. I failed and I failed in most of my dreams. I do not know why? Perhaps I lived in my dreams. I never had guts to rebel. I never wanted to annoy my father or mother . I tried to get what I could not get. Opportunities were plenty. I missed always. So my best wishes to persons who could get their first love. It must be a great feeling to live togeather. But one has to go first. It may be great loss to loose whom you love the most.

Infatuation of young age

Be what you are , give what you can, rest of time remain busy in your self.
Poverty of a country is known by the prosperity of its advocates.
Keep smile world is like camera.
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
Men who make money rarely saunter; Men who save money rarely swagger.
A man of character will make himself worthy of any position he is given.
Humbleness with truth works as catalyst to win the heart of other people.
Love is the gift given by God to living beings.
Death is the real happiness of life. People are lucky who die soon and are unlucky who die later and suffer the miseries of life.
We all are children of same parents. Let us forget our differences and work to unite humanity.
Infatuation , Love , Sex and Marriage
It is very difficult to differentiate between infatuation, love and sex. Marriage may or may not be the result of all this. I am writing what I wrote when I entered in to teen years of my life. How much good you feel, when your heart beats and you just want to see your first mate. You just want to see her hair. You want to see her face. You want to see her hands , feet etc. You want to talk to her. You want to wait for her. You think always about her. You can not look at her eyes. Her eyes are very powerful. Once she looks at you and you look to her eyes you forget time. Time stops for you. You are her prisoner. She controls you and your brain. You are puppets in her hand. Her smile means life for you. Her company removes your tiredness. Her little touch creates feeling of luck. Even if she combs her hair, you just want to see her and her only and time can just pass away. You do not care for any thing and just wait to meet her. For you this is the only time and this time is only life for you.
Poets of all the languages have explained this infatuation in so many words. It can be Heer and Ranjha in Punjabi language or Shakuntala of Kaali Das . Writers have also written about it in many words. Some have become famous and some are not. Basic aspect of infatuation is that it starts in teen years and every one become slave of this. Some may learn it faster and move to the next category .Some remain in infatuation period and could not dare to talk to the opposite sex. You may loose or enjoy that time . But hard fact is that time does not wait for any one. It remains infatuation only and you never meet again with the person you wanted to talk and share thoughts. This is or was in India in 1968 . Time changes and so the culture of each country. Some people learn faster and they start loving opposite sex. That is known as Love.
I was young and studying in one of the finest college of engineering in chandigarh. University area was near by. Engineering college students were in demand. Our hostel was very near to Doctors hostel. I came from a village and I started learning life. We were in hostel. We were busy to study. We were all of same age. Some were lucky to have rich parents and some were lucky to have good friends, who were from rich families. Some were from village families.
I was coming from Delhi by Kalka Mail to Chandigarh. Train started around 10:00 PM. Some girls were also in that IInd class compartment. These girls were also studying in Punjab University. They also stayed in girls hostel. One girl started flirting with me. She wanted to talk or I do not know. Complete night they did not let me sleep. It was 16th August 0f 1966. I wanted to talk to her but I did not know how to break this type of Ice. They were four girls. I realized that I am trembling and I am not able to talk to them. I was attracted by these girls and I must have wasted time to see these girls in Punjab University market area. While I was wasting time to meet these girls but I never missed my main aim. My main aim was that I should serve humanity and work for unity of the world. I knew that I have to finish my studies as soon as possible so that I can work and earn my livelihood.
I wanted to work while I was studying. Once I was working as Riksha Puller. These girls met me. She wanted to go to picture or cinema house. I pulled Riksha and enjoyed such hard work. I got 50 NP and 75 NP for this hard work. They belong to Delhi and Ambala. I was not expert in Riksha Pulling. I also applied for a Job as Tutor. I came in contact with K.C. Jain. He wanted that I should teach his son. I did that Job but I had to leave after two months as I had to appear for my Exams. All this happened not because of money but because I was infatuated towards those girls who teased me during my Rail Journey.
If Infatuation is so powerful, then love is still very powerful. Once you control heart of other person then he becomes your slave. And that is the power of Love.

Memories till 1966.

Though Centuries may crumble in to dust,
And years may fly like shadows,
Thou memory will remain fresh,
Like morning dew in my mind.
Life is really a very very short to live.It is very short journey. Train journey is also very short. One has to live. There are no alternatives. One can cry or enjoy or take it as it comes. I am trying to achieve my aim , which is impossible. I get, which I never expect. Some unknown power is governing our lives. We are only medium or intermediation, by which unknown power complete it's wishes.
My mother was uneducated. She was truthful. She was always worried about me. Being only son , she did not want that I learn bad habits. My both sisters were elder than me. I learnt from my sister's mistakes. My father or mother never scolded me. I still remember that my mother used to wake us and she also used to sit near us. It does not mean that only my mother used to be awake , but my father also used to get up in morning hours , so that children can get up and study. My mother used to say " Get up from the bed, stand up and go to the corner of the room and take book in your hand and study" She used to warn me that do not misunderstand that you are the only son and you may get more love and affection" Earlier in India son used to get more additional food or better behavior from parents in comparison to girls. So I used to get more attention , so that I do not learn bad habits. My mother used to worship a lot. During worshiping her soul used to see other souls. I still remember that once I was playing near my home with one boy and two girls. My mother called me and scolded me. She did not allow me to play with girls. I may be around 8-9 years old. My mother has never shown love for me. She used to love me but did not want to show her love. She was afraid that I may not become bad man.
This all indicate that my mother was very careful to bring me up .I am grateful to her. I picked up more her habits.
I enjoyed the love of my sisters. Mine eldest sister's name is Kushal and elder sister name is Jugal. . Kushal married to V.N. Mohan and Jugal married to C.P. Bali.
I passed my high school in first division and got national merit scholarship and got first division in Intermediate. My teachers were Sita Ram Shashtri and Brij Bhushan from near by villages like Rohana and Beheri Village. I did my Bachelor of Science from D.A.V. College Muzaffar Nagar. My teachers were Prem Prakash Tayal, S.N.Gaur , Bhatnagar. I stayed with my uncle Shri Mohinder Sain. These two years were the first two years when I was away from my parents. During this period I learnt a lot. Ilearnt so many things from my Aunti. I learnt the nature of firm determination, frankness to say clearly your point of view. In Bsc Part (I) I worked hard but did not get good % in final examination. In Bsc Part ( II ) or final year I got good marks in exams and got admission in Punjab Engineering College Chandigarh.
In First year in PEC I got in contact with Sat Pal Choudhry and Naresh Chand Jain . We were room mates in the hostel of PEC. Ambrish and Raj Kumar were both good singers. In first year I tried to help every one. Due to my father and family I could develop good relationship with business magnets of chandigarh. Mr Amarnath Mohan and Mr Bagai helped me. I used to meet them very often as they had very good influence at that time in Chandigarh. I developed my relationship with Doctors studying in MD in Post Graduate Institute ( PGI ) . I developed contacts and helped others with these contacts. I spent money and time to develop my contacts and wanted to serve others in free time. Dr Vasudevan, Dr Vadhwa , Dr Kamal Nain, Dr Rikhi , Dr Kataria, and Dr Gupta. All loved and helped me like brothers. So I remained active in my first year of engineering and tried to help others with what ever money or time I had . Let me write that it does not mean that I did not study. These were my extra curricular activities. I never gossiped. So 1966 passed away.
Years passed by. I miss my friends . I wish them all the best.

Sunday, 6 July 2008

Guru and Sexual abuse

I start with my Guru. I respect him. In Hindi language there is importance given to Guru. Guru is considered above God or supreme power of Nature or Planets. Without Guru / Teacher one can not learn or gain knowledge.
I love my Guru. I hate my Guru. I want to touch his feet. I want to slap on his face. I give respect on one side and want to kill him also. This is only due to his double character. He behaves that he is holy. He is liar. He used to exploit my innocence. He has taken disadvantage of ours specially mine gentleness. He has made my mentality so mean that it took time to recover. At that time I was in 8Th or 11th class . I may be around 10 to 12 years. He used to play with my body parts. One of my friend resisted and fought with him. Guru used to beat him. This is not expected from GURU.
Once we decided to tell him. We told him that this is wrong on your part. Guru realized his mistake. Old habits die hard. After some days he started repeating the same and I did not protest. My friend did protest. He used to get beating. Guru took more interest in me and I used to come first in the class. My name is still on board of Amrit Inter College Rohana Kalan. I was always first in my class. In High School or Intermediate I was first in my school and rank holder in my state Uttar Pradesh. I got national Scholarship from High School onwards.
He used to be us from morning 05:00 hrs till night 22:00 hrs. Only during school hours he was away or during food eating time.
So some people are good from outside but bad from inside. Be aware from these people. They may be Guru or Saint or Yogi or Criminal or Politician . History has many examples which can prove that one should not trust what one sees. Sex is very powerful and has always created dents on society. It is true today and It was true earlier. Due to publicity now we know more . Recently Jessica Murder Case or Arushi murder case or case of president of USA or minister in India are example of power of sex. Every human being can not control sex. So one should accept the Truth.

Thoughts of Teens of 1960


Actually in this World , what we see from outside position of a man, we form ideas ( According to his outward show). My meaning is that if we want to know about any one, we see only his out door activities and form Idea according to what we see. We do not know what internal feeling he has. I have seen many people who are saint from out side but criminal from inside. In this world each type of man exists. One can be pious , criminal, gentle or cruel.
"The acts of men , who have come out to serve or lead , have always been misunderstood since the beginning of the world and none can help it."
Men tire themselves in pursuit of rest.

Preface of my book "Why did I fail?"

I was born in a village with a population of 300 families of workers, executives and managing agent of a Amritsar Sugar Factory Rohana Kalan, Muzaffar Nagar, Uttar Pradesh India. I along with my family friend Jitendra Sen lived in this factory village. India got freedom in 1947 and I was born just after independence. Songs like " Sare Jahan Se Accha , Hindustan Hamara " or " Simple living and high thinking " were ideals at that time.
My purpose of writing book like this is very simple. I want to inform others how does brain develops? How is personality develops? How does brain develop of a child? How does society change?
I was writing my thoughts and happenings around me in a book. Now I want to inform others. Some may be shocking truth of many families . I shall like to mention names but it may be different. In case it resembles with some one I can say sorry.
I shall like my thoughts year wise and one can see how young person thinks and how it can take effect on his personality. I failed , as I compromised and I was never aggressive to achieve my aim
My grammar or spelling may be different as I learnt Hindi , English, Sanskrit, French and German languages. So it may be mixture of all languages. As I want to tear off these books , which I wrote, so I am writing on Internet free tool provided by Google. My thanks and good wishes to this team of Google. Google could not have achieved without Microsoft or Bill Gates. My gratitude to these scholars of society.